Random Thoughts of a Lone Man

It was a very cold night, I just wasn't sure if the coldness was coming from the air-conditioning system of this convenience store I'm currently in.

If it was cold caused by an entire day of heavy rain, or it was just simply the loneliness embracing me, disguised in a form of a chilly environment.

Regardless, it is invading me aggressively like a snowstorm.

I'm looking at the street outside, lighted up by these beautiful street lamp posts, lamp posts that emit a vibrant yellow-orange tint, like a filter to make the historical streets look and stay older to the eyes of everyone walking through it at night. 

In front of me is a heterosexual couple, completely oblivious to their surrounding. 

Their lips are marked with happiness. I thought to myself, "aren't their mouth tired of too much smiling, talking, and laughing?"

But, don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on them because clearly, their laughs, smiles, and romance, give positive energy to this nearly empty store.

What I don't like, though, is the bitterness I feel towards the universe. I mean, this couple's night is probably the happiest night of their lives, while I'm here, possibly experiencing the loneliest time of my entire existence.

It just doesn't make sense.

These thoughts pushed me a few years back when I was sitting in this bar along Mangubat Avenue, facing at that time my current lover. 

It was a beautiful night: the stars, the music, the vibe, the drinks, even the moon are lined up perfectly, so much so, it felt like the universe aligned it for us. 

It was romantic and it was fun. 

Then suddenly, we heard a commotion on the sidewalk a few meters from where we are seated. 

There was a group of obviously drunken guys fighting: throwing punches and throwing bottles. They are barefoot and I was just staring at them. Though I will flinch every time one of them will step onto the shards of glasses scattered onto the same spot they are rumbling. 

The bits of those shattered glasses are flashing on the pavement, as if that it reflected the sparkling stars above. 

The only difference is, the stars above reflected the beauty of the universe carefully positioned by the hands of God, while the broken glasses on the concrete street represented the ongoing chaos of these uncontrolled youths.

I was watching them when a middle-aged woman approached us, selling us red roses for thirty-five pesos each. 

I looked at my date, as if, I was begging for him to buy me one which he eventually did.

And we proceeded to talk about politics, pop culture, and religion while holding hands on top of the table with his feet seductively caressing my pale-slim-hairless legs under it. 

The overwhelming romance of our Saturday date night has caused me to blush. 

It was a beautiful night, a vivid contrast to the mess that is happening on my right side, and looking back at it, I realized how my romantic life has turned upside down in only a few years. 

I cannot recall the warmth of romance anymore, or maybe, I just turned numb to it after all the failures and heartbreaks I endured for the past years. 

I closed my notebook and I carefully put it in my bag. This thing contains all my ideas, immortalized through poems and essays. 

It was full of emotions that if it is only alive, it will probably explode with flowers and knives. 

I prepared to depart this place. The rain had stopped and this convenience store has fulfilled its obligation to shelter me for a few hours against the heavy rain outside. 

I smiled as a sign of appreciation. 

As I opened the door, an icy wind blew on my face. "It was this cold wind again," I thought. 

The wind is invisible to my eyes but so strong, so merciless that every time it touches my skin, my pandora's box of sadness and loneliness opens up.

I started to walk on the wet streets of this city that is new to my feet and eyes, with the wind blowing and howling like it is whispering to me the history of this old city.

I grinned when I realized that I wasn't alone tonight. I have the wind with its stories, stories I could understand through its coldness and smell.