The Undeclared Farewell of Alejandro to Charlie

With my head leaning on my bus chair, I thought of Charlie. I wonder if he's thinking of me, I wonder if he already knew that I left the town.

I started to recollect my past few days. My originally two-day trip to this shunned municipality inside this mountainous province was extended into five days. All thanks to Charlie who captured my heart. But I'm now headed back to my hometown: a place where I belong, far from Charlie, far from his hometown, far from his favorite spot. 

The past days were the best I've had in my recent memory. For a few nights, we tightly held each other under the beautiful night sky, lying down on the grassy field, talking about everything. If anyone has seen us there, they wouldn't hesitate to think we're lovers, but we're not: we will never be. 

I slightly smiled remembering how you acted when you first went with me back to my cheap rented room: your hands were shaking, probably nervous about what will happen next. I remember how your cheeks turned red when I first undressed in front of you. How you bit your pinkish lower lip after seeing my pale exposed slim body. How you slowly walked towards my uncovered physique while clenching your fist. How you first pressed your torso against mine. 

I remember how I first felt your warmth. How I first touched your well-sculpted form. How I first smelled your soft inky wavy hair. 

I also vividly looked back to the time when you first brought me to your town's spacious plaza embellished with a hundred-year-old church, smiling locals, and their distinct culture. I remember you being quiet while sitting beside me in front of a tree covered with yellow bell-like flowers. You looked at me and told me how lucky would be my future boyfriend to have me. 

This is why you charmed me: you just naturally know the right words that will melt my heart and put me on my knees while blushing.

Until our fourth day, when you told me you have a two-year-long beau. I remember freezing when I heard you say that as if a chilling cold has entered every vein I have, paralyzing me, numbing me from head to toe. 

This is why I also fucking hate you: you can obliviously break me into pieces. But despite your numbness towards my sensitive emotions, you never saw my smile and kind words fade away. You never saw a hint of bitterness, anger, and wrath in any part of me inside and outside. 

On the night of my fourth day in your hometown, I recalled how I cheerfully asked you that I wanted to spend the night alone. I even told you to come early before sunrise and just knock on my cheap rented room's wooden door. But you, being unsuspecting to the pain you inflicted on me when you revealed to me your long-term partner, decided to follow what I have asked you to do. You have no clue that it's your last time with me. 

You did not catch me that morning. Unlike the past few days where you would knock on my door, will open it, and you'd see me covered with only a white blanket. 

I remember the intense emotional pain when I started to neatly pack my things inside my reddish-brown leather duffel bag.

I remember the feeling of misery when I slowly closed the bag's zipper. The sound it created almost made me deaf not because it was loud but because it screamed to me the words: it's the end of us... in high fucking pitch. 

I remember the torturous heartache when I stepped outside your town's cheap hostel and you're not outside. 

I remember how my knees trembled because of extreme anxiety while stepping inside the bus en route to an urbanized nearby town that overshadowed your municipality for decades. 

And now, leaning on this dirty tore off bus chair, looking beyond the open window, I experienced excruciating pain when I saw a vast grassy field nearby: it was your favorite spot, our favorite spot. 

The bus is passing through the enormous pasture where we first met. Its beauty hasn't changed despite the fact that above it is not the hypnotic bright yellow moon surrounded by countless sparkling stars, but an enormous blue sky decorated by clusters of massive white clouds. 

Its mesmerizing charm hasn't changed a bit and I'm sure it would take decades before its beauty fade. But I would never want to see it again, I would never want to lie down there again because I'd only miss you and our few days old love affair. 

It will take me a few hours before I could step my feet in my hometown. The place is far away from you and your favorite spot, but our memories will still haunt me for God knows how long. There will be days that I will long for your embrace, kiss, smiles, and presence. I know that these particular moments would break me but I will move forward. 

For you Charlie, my love: I apologize for not putting closure between us, I also apologize for not bidding a goodbye. If you still care for me and will try to find an answer to why I left and ran away without informing you... I hope you'd remember that you are never at fault. It was me who accepted you in my life, it was me who allowed you to say the things you have said, it was me who permitted you to connect with me. 

I'm well aware that letting a charming young man like you enter my life is a very stupid decision knowing that, for me, you're just a random stranger despite your intoxicating charisma. Opening my heart to you is dumb, but I still did it. It's my fault why I'm hurt, it's my fault why you would always find an answer to why I suddenly vanished. 

That night when I saw you and granted you the right to be a part of my life, I was being kind to myself... I long for someone eh. But today, I will be selfish and wouldn't consider your feelings because another moment with you, regardless of how long it might be, will further break me into pieces. Especially when I know someone's waiting for you, especially when I'm well aware that somebody already owns you. 

This is my farewell to you, Charlie. 

Adieu, my love. Try to widen the smile on that pretty lips of yours, okay?