The Gaze of a Player

It was Alejandro’s fourth day in this new city. Writing has finally bored him hence his decision to find something else to do aside from writing. He has been writing for four consecutive days already, so he thought it won’t be a big deal for his employer if he enjoys this place that is supposed to be an inspiration to his ongoing novel.

That is when he saw a place with an old facade. It was a house made with wooden walls, mold eats some of its parts. It’s quite creepy, but loud masculine voices inside it made him extremely curious. He then walked inside it, and with his all honesty, walking towards the place gave him an odd feeling as if he was a curious cat walking into a lion’s den.

It was a billiard place full of sweaty, loud, extremely manly men.

“Definitely a lion’s den,” he thought, followed by a naughty grin.

He rented a billiard table for three hours. It cost him almost two-hundred pesos—a very cheap price for relaxation.

Alejandro leaned down to the billiard table, checking the best spot to hit the shiny red billiard ball with his white cue ball, when something hard and pointy hit his butt cheeks. It was the first glance he had with Carl, a rebellious young man. Carl’s thick eyebrows emphasized his small, sharp, dark brown eyes. Alejandro bit his lower lip when he glanced at the young man’s labret—a lip piercing—an embellishment to Carl’s thin pinkish lips. Carl, noticing the lip bite Alejandro did, caused him to release a side subtle grin, sending shivers throughout Alejandro’s body. The tension with those few seconds of interaction between the two men became unbearable for the writer, so Alejandro looked away, trying to forget the rebel’s provocative grin and his hard billiard cue stick that touched his back part.

Alejandro felt extremely conscious. He felt a warm feeling on his cheeks and neck, making him sweat like crazy as if he was a drug addict. In this situation, addicted not to an illegal substance, but to the tension between him and Carl.

Carl, with his glances to Alejandro while he is busy distracting himself, noticed the slim figure that the young writer has. He realized how out of place the visitor was. Alejandro is wearing skinny denim pants, highlighting his feminine legs, partnered to a dirty white loose silk long sleeve that emphasized his rust-colored hair and blended to his pearl-like skin tone, a contrast to everyone inside the place that wears sleeveless tees or not wearing any top at all.

Alejandro is shaking, and because of this, he could not shoot any billiard balls down the hole. That’s when Carl approached him.

“Seems like you are having a hard time shooting these balls, huh?” Carl uttered confidently.

“Ah, not really. I’m good at this. Maybe I’m just a little conscious today,” Alejandro replied in a nervous tone.

“It doesn’t seem like it,” the young man uttered, followed with a sarcastic laugh.

He then took the initiative and grabbed Alejandro's arms, guiding him on the proper way of hitting the cue ball.

Alejandro is nervous. He is extremely close to this stranger. In fact, he is so close to him that his back part feels the young man’s bulge and toned thighs. He even smells Carl’s sweats and distinct, manly odor.

Three hours had passed. The sun is setting outside, splattering an orange hue everywhere. It was Alejandro’s time to leave and be back to his temporary room. He walked out into the lion’s den, aroused, nervous, sweating.

He was already a few meters away from the billiard place when a matte black motorbike stopped beside him. It was Carl and his provocative side grin.

“Come, get on the bike,” Carl said without hesitation, confident and authoritative.

“I-I-I can’t, I don’t even know you,” Alejandro replied with a confused expression.

“I’m Carl. You know me now. Now, hop in,” Carl said with full arrogance and charm.

Alejandro, charmed by the dominant energy Carl has, hopped onto the bike.

“You are a tourist, right? I’ll tour you to our beautiful city if that’s okay?” Carl suggested while facing Alejandro.

“Sure,” Alejandro replied, still charmed by the young man’s arrogance.

And with the sunset beside them, Alejandro and Carl toured the city with a vivid orange hue everywhere, like the extreme warmth they feel inside them as they drive across the beautiful city. They crossed farmland, a food complex, the city’s historical plaza and many, many more. Alejandro felt so good. He has been caged with his passion for writing and religion that he forgot to explore another aspect of his life—his sexuality. He always felt attracted to men, but he often disregarded it. Growing up in a devoted Catholic family and studying at the most exclusive catholic schools, it taught him to despise homosexuality. But, this time, with this man’s charm, he felt like his pandora’s box has finally opened, revealing all his deep-seated attraction to his same sex, revealing his thirst to men like Carl—a charismatic young man, full of arrogance, full of himself. Maybe the quote opposite attracts is true even to people because right now, despite their differences, he does not despise the rebellious young man, but worships him, like how he worshipped his religion, like how he worshipped the conservative traits that were embedded in his family’s values. Today, Carl is Alejandro’s religion. This thought gave Alejandro all the courage to embrace the driver’s torso, so tight, so passionate.

Alejandro's arms hugging Carl’s body turned Carl on. He felt the intimacy in the young writer’s embrace. He felt the romance. As someone who has been known in the town as the most manly of all its men, this is the first time he felt the confidence to embrace and expose his secret—his attraction to men. Growing up in an unhealthy patriarchal home, he was taught how men should act and where men should belong. But the vision of the young writer, everything about him, is turning him on. Even the smell of the man’s perfume is arousing him.

Without asking for any permission from Alejandro, Carl headed towards the more secluded part of the city—a place so isolated that untouched hundred-year-old acacia trees and tall grass covered it.

Alejandro, aware of the change of direction, did not utter a word. He just continuously embraced Carl as tight as possible. He is nervous. He knows that this is the time for him to satisfy his secret desires.

They stopped beside an old mansion, beside a stream, opposite to the direction back to town. A long silence occurred before Carl spoke. “I want to make love to you. Can I?” Carl asked in a very low tone, probably a sign that Alejandro defeated his long existing battle to contradict his homosexuality.

“Do whatever you want to do,” Alejandro replied with a confident tone. For him, it is now or never.

Carl undressed himself. His toned body burned Alejandro’s remaining hesitations. His body is a gift of Prometheus for the young writer. The god who created humanity made sure that he sculpted Carl’s body to defeat Alejandro at this exact moment.

Alejandro undressed next. His slim figure covered with pale, smooth skin made Carl kneel. He could not resist anymore, and so, kissed the young writer’s legs. For the rebellious young man, Alejandro is like an ethereal being given to him by the gods to satisfy his needs.

Carl is indeed a monster, dominating the weak, devoted young Catholic writer above the dirty, sinful Earth. Beside them is the rotting mansion, which represents the rotting masks they both put over their masculinity to cover their real selves, their genuine prohibited desires. The stream on the other side represented the flow of emotions they felt as they made love to each other. It represented the flow of their sweats dripping down to their opposite body types—two bodies that represented the extreme masculinity and femininity of the mortal men. No one held back. They touched, kissed, sucked, licked, and penetrated everything. Alejandro made love to Carl in a way that could beat his devotion to the church. Carl made love to Alejandro in a way that could give his father a heart attack if revealed. They feast on each other, as if they were monsters, as if it was their first time eating.

The darkness that wrapped the sky became a cue for the two men to stop. They put their clothes on. No one’s uttering a word. The silence, the sound of the flowing stream nearby, and the crickets act as the voice of their conscience. They feel guilty. They feel immoral. They feel undignified, especially Alejandro and his promise to uphold his family’s and catholic education values.

Carl drove to Alejandro’s temporary place to stay—a hostel with a pink facade.

No one’s speaking.

Alejandro walked towards the entrance. He looked back and saw a view that he will never forget, a view that will surely be embedded in his mind even if he was back in his conservative world. He saw Carl’s eyes and its gaze—the gaze of a player—staring at him, so intense, so sharp that it poked his heart and broke it into pieces. He realized they’ve attached their souls to one another. But they cannot continue this foolishness. Alejandro will be back to his devotion to the Catholic church and the values it upheld for so long, while Carl will go back to his patriarchal home, back to his father’s masculine wings. This relationship is not a sin for many people’s eyes, but for them, in their respective worlds and reality, it is.

And so Alejandro turned himself and walked inside the hostel’s lobby. Carl twisted his bike’s key and drove off. Marking the end of their sins to their circle, but leaving painful wounds to their hearts.

The Gaze of a Player

With your masculine gazes, you caught my heart.

With your provocative stares, you removed my mask.

Is it wrong to let myself be defeated?

Why is it wrong to embrace my real self?

How cruel my world can be,

Torturing me, instead of inspiring me, in reality.

How do you define foolishness?

Is it following my sexuality?

Or following the Catholic’s values blindly?

The world is cruel, at least for me,

When I couldn’t even enjoy this young man’s gaze,

Without the feeling of extreme guilt flowing through my veins.

Is it me who turned my back to the world?

Or is it the world that turned its back on me?

Rescue me,

I want to be happy.